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BritaAddams

Brita Addams

Baby Boy 1: Sacrificed - Alex Anders Oh, the myriad problems with this. The story had possibilities and with proper developmental (plot was very thin as written,)line editing, and proofing, the reader could have come away with a much more satisfying read. I think the bones are there, just very little meat.

However, the editing was horrendous, or rather, non-existent. No proofing could possibly have been done. The head hopping, often within paragraphs, was dizzying. Everyone had a point of view.

Misspellings - boarder for border, fletch for flinch, many more, those stood out.

Commas can make or break a story, depending upon their placement. When they are nonexistent or misplaced, the meaning of sentences is changed. Elementary English.

Telling, telling, telling and not showing throughout. And the annoying passive voice - was, was, was.

Capital letter for emphasis, numbers not spelled out, capitalization inconsistencies, tense and grammar issues...

Cocks plunging into virgin orifices with no mention of preparation, stretching, easing the virgin into sex. No mention of lube or condoms, even with John and his tricks. Only once did some private part end up greased, and only after the fact did we learn this, with indication as to how that happened.

Big build up to sex, only to have it fall flat every time, with only a million "AHHHs" as the indication that it was happening. That and heads banging against walls. Ouch! It seemed the author wanted the story to be all about sex without having to actually write it. Okay, part C goes into part A (or M,) you figure out what happens next. It didn't work. And then the descriptions of a cock - bullet, meat, and I think there were a couple more that furrowed my brow.

The naivete on the part of the main character, to the point of TSTL, grated. Yet at times, Baby Boy had knowledge he had no way of knowing, if the prior narrative was to be believed. He even fell for Rex's ploy of an expired drivers's license when they took a car from Mexico to the US, we're left to believe that Rex knew there was drugs in the car, and Baby Boy, as the driver would be hung out to dry if they were found. After a little build up, that tension feel flat very quickly.

He was easily led into Rex's world of prostitution, and makes the decision to dive right in, because he wants to impress Rex. He wasn't starving, so his need for money didn't lead him to such desperate measures. He simply wants Rex to like him.

The cliffhanger ending just isn't done, but it left me relieved that the story was over and with absolutely no interest in seeing what happens next.

One kind of "Huh?" moment was when it was explained that Nebraska farmer, Baby Boy, thought of his tan as stigmatizing - in Hollywood and presumably Nebraska. I have to think that all farmers have deep tans, and what is the stigma? No explanation as to why they should be stigmatized or even why he's in Hollywood of all places (where tans are thought to be pretty cool.) Just that he left the farm and that's where he ended up. Not even a mention of him wanting to be an actor to give the destination plausibility.

This story must have been self-published, because no self-respecting publisher would have allowed such an under edited/under developed piece to go out under their banner.

The saving grace is that the story was free.